Who am I?

I was and continue to be unsure of how to describe myself. some people try avoid it, saying things like ‘this doesn’t matter the the work matters’. but this was not true for me. trust is a massive need of mine, and while stories get in the way, sometimes they can lead to more traust. I have decided to approach this by describing vingettes of important experiences of self-work.

I bridge an enormous amount of worlds. It has been a blessing

I have best friends who are highly loyal, brave, and honorable jocks that watch sport and go fishing. I have explored the outer boundaries with progressive communities at raves, and psychedelics. I have sat in coffee shops and discussed psychoanalysis in Europe. I have launched startups, some of which have worked. I have studied Psychoanalysis and heard people compare who analysed them, I have done retreats and ashrams, men’s shamanic work, tantric, gestalt, group. I have trained in meditation, spent time in silent retreat, explored communication mechanisms, parts.  I have lived in 5 countries, and visited. 

I have seen the gifts and limitations of nearly every community and felt both at home and alien in each.

The same is true for my therapeutic and spiritual journey.

I was once told by a therapist that I will never find, and I am my own teacher. And this is true. I am not your guru. No one is.

My journey into therapeutic work started New years eve 2013. Friends and I were at a music festival and intended to take MDMA, a drug that opens your heart, drops your boundaries and makes you feel love. The drugs ended up being laced with a high-dose hallucinigen that sent the 3 of us on a one of the most raw, testing experiences of our lives. We stayed together and supported each other, and the next morning I felt something had shifted. The intensity of panic escalated and a couple weeks later I was standing on the sidewalk trying to remember what those lines you call when in trouble are.

The shape and contours of the human experience is as varied as snowflakes, but the fundamentals of the quest follow certain. patterns

• vulnerability

• move to the places that scare us

This journey has also been reflected in the practices and modalities I have explored.

Moving toward this brought me to my first psychotherapeutic experience. I had recommended therapy to friends for years, but had never actually done any myself. The resistance, the fear, it was enormous. I can remember sitting in the waiting room, broken. Only brave enough to take that step because fundamentally I was desperate enough.  

That first thepeurtic experience, or better described as relationship, was in some ways the beginning of my life.  It’s not that I don’t remember my life before this period, is it more than following this period I understood that one can live a life and not actually be truly present for it. Can be stuck in motions or stasis. Not sure what is happening, and in no control.

A strong memory I have is sitting around the dinner table with my family. I had a product that had gained traction, and was and I would usually bring a lot of stress home. Small annoying actions my family would do.

Self-work can do a number of things. Firstly make you aware of the processes that are happening. Something this is relief enough. Secondly, give you tools to communicate it to those close to you. This can lead to connect and empathy, or maybe disappointment. Then there is the ways one can be with the dissapointment. There are the ways we can see the mechanisms happening. seeing and being seen in our experience is not about changing reality, it is about an intimate and compassionate relationship with it. this is a life long journey, but the incremental shifts matter. are noticeable. make the difference.

It ushered in my first explorations of meditation. For the following 3 years I took meditation extremely seriously. I stopped drinking and going out. Had a daily practice, read deeply, joined meditation groups I could find (very few young people were doing it at this point so I was always 40 years younger than everyone), and spent time in silent retreat. The foundation of my work is grounded in meditation, in the raw, absolutely bare metal insights of the Buddha. As I will describe, I have ventured far and wide in the different therapeutic modalities and practices, but meditation is my bedrock. 

While the first period of my work centered on the nature of thought — some of us describe ourselves as overthinkers, I used to say this about myself with a kind of distain now I have to remember I ever thought that — byself as an ‘over thinker’ and resented this part of my mind. Another memory I have is a teacher training where one student would keep arriving late. a person in the group said finally said ‘look we are sick of your late arrivals’. there was a pause, and another member of the group said ‘I’m not sick of them arriving late’. Our experiences are all unique and our own. there is aspects of this that are challengeing, as taking responsibility for our lives and owning experience takes away the freedom of blaming others.

The next evolution involved a moving deeper into  feelings and the body.

As I started to step deeper into this world of self-awareness, of realising I was not thoughts but the person thinking layers of things I had suffered and push away started to surface. I had been very popular as a young person, with many friends, almost moving in big circles. But I had had a raw almost trauma when it come to actual intimacy. This ease in groups made this kind of secret fear I had of romantic intimacy seem far festched to people. Like with the trip, I move straight into the raw centre of this fear. 

Whatever your life journey, the particularies of your challenges, barriers, fears, I look forward to being along side you step toward them. As you cultivate the self-honesty, courage, clarity, and bravery to open your heart, learn and set boundaries, step into your power. that helps turn the challenge of the human condition into an adventure that of course will have ups and downs -- this is life -- but will be filled with greater confidence, authenticity and connection.